Secret agent man

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“I am an agent of God.”

That’s the sentence Henry wrote in his effort to use his spelling word agent.

When we were praying at dinner, he said that when he prayed at school, the two boys around him asked what he was doing. He told them. They said they don’t go to church. He asked if he should hide his prayer. We said, no. It’s fine to pray silently before your meal.

Then he asked if he could wear his St. Michael necklace or his Miraculous Medal to school. (I didn’t even know he knew it was called the Miraculous Medal.) He gave a quiet, “yessss,” when we said he could. Richard reminded Henry that by his good example, he could encourage other boys and girls to want to know God.  Henry smiled and nodded. His IS an agent of God.

I’m not really sure what his teacher is going to think of our secret agent when she reads Henry’s other sentence: “I practice shooting guns at the range.” God and guns. Great.

School daze

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And I’m talking about me.

After five years of homeschooling, kids are back in school. Helen’s off and away studying music, Lil in Montessori school. And our lives are drastically different. And I am dazed and confused.

Cherished evening time has become evening rush time. Homework, soccer practice, piano lessons and practice. Today we actually stood around the fridge to pray. Instead of lighting a candle for day one of our novena in lovely nine-candle plate, I ran off a copy of the prayer on a sheet with a table of days so we can check them off. Plunk. Used a magnet and stuck it on the fridge. It felt kind of pathetic. And that made me sad. That’s not what I want.

When we homeschooled, we didn’t have homework. We just had work. We finished and then went on with our lives.  But since we had such a difficult year last year, with Helen’s senior year and all the events associated with that, with college apps and auditions. Not to mention a new baby and (scarily diminished) business. I felt like a homeschooling failure. Or at least inadequate. We didn’t even belong to a group or go on many field trips. I couldn’t begin to contemplate the logistics of any of that. My brain and body were maxed out.

So after lots of prayer and questionable moments of sanity, we decided school would be best.

And I’m not saying it isn’t. Teachers seem great. The kids are adapting beautifully, are well prepared and enjoying their days. But I have to figure out how to cope. If we’re called to be a people set apart, how can we do that when we’re stuck in the throes of all this? Can I still do my very best job keeping faith as the focus in the the lives of these precious gifts from God? How do we add a rosary at night when we’re scrambling to finish dishes, homework and get them to bed on time?

I know we’re only in the second week.

But this is our new normal. At least for now, and we have to figure out how to make it all work.

Prayers would be great. (Ain’t too proud to beg …)

Getting trashed

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Clifford is obsessed with throwing things away. And we’re pretty sure we realized this kind of late in the game. Who knows what has been set out at the curb at the hands our our little man.

Following a four-day vacation away from home, the very first thing that baby boy did after walking in the door was seek out things he could throw away. We all have our comforts of home, apparently this is his.

When I opened the lid of the trash can to put in a new bag, I found this. (Try not to get too distracted by my ultra cute shoes. )

Getting Trashed

If he’s not throwing things in this trash can, he’s pushing it over for the pleasing effect the loud thud initiates. (You’d scream, too.) Or he’s trying to reach in it to see what treasure he can fish out. All too often, the can is relegated out of practical use and perched towering over all of us on the counter top.

As much as analyzing the trash several times daily is a rather arduous process, I actually appreciate his interest.

Today he spent about five minutes trying with all his might to throw a mop away. He’d lift the heavy long stick high over his head, put the handle in, only to have it swing back up and out of the can. He tried again and again. Finally, he switched ends and got it to stay. You know, until, he pulled the whole can over and down, startling all of us. Again.

Clifford’s continued interest in the trash demonstrates that at16-months old, he does not lack perseverance. As I watch him hunting and seeking things to put in his beloved shiny can, or trying over again with the mop three times his height,  I can’t help but wonder how this will translate into the kind of little boy, then man,  he will become. (I like to imagine it means he will naturally gravitate toward cleanliness. I can dream, can’t I?)

Getting trashed, again.

It’s true he’s a boy a of few words. Okay, almost no words. But he certainly is a little man of action. During the day, he rarely sits. He just goes. And goes. And goes. I would love to strap a pedometer on him just to find out what kind of ground he covers running back and forth in this house all day.

I do get to sit down with him a few times during the day, since recently he has taken a liking to books. He will happily sit through a story or two. Oddly, he’s not interested in the point-and-name type of picture books (unless it has something to touch). He much prefers Curious George’s adventures and will sit still through that or (help me) a Berenstain Bear story or two before he’d let me name or count pictures of butterflies in a board book.

Admiring his work

Like his big brother, he’s interested in how things work. On his first ride on a carousel, we could barely get his attention to snap a photograph. He was so focused on the mechanics of the machine. Who cared about the horse and the music? He just wanted to see those gears turning. And as he watched, his gears were turning, too. Richard and I joked that we could see the smoke coming out of his ears. Cliff did acknowledge that the experience was fun with a short clap and a smile at the end of the ride. Reminding us, oh yes he is, after all, just a baby.

Another added joy is watching my husband so naturally respond to Cliff’s interests. Safely in his daddy’s arms, Clifford pushes the button to grind my coffee in the morning. He watches with interest as the dishwasher is loaded and unloaded, often with Richard’s direction, reaching in to spin the moving parts. The boy can’t get enough of the vacuum cleaner and its retractable cord, and there’s not enough time to explain his apparent fascination with electric tooth brushes. And Richard patiently demonstrates each item of interest to Clifford, all while wondering–like I–what goes on in that silent boy’s mind.

What this all means for this little baby boy is a mystery to me. I pray that we, as his parents, can nurture what truly interests him as he grows. In the mean time, I’m enjoying the discovery of yet another unique and miraculous gift from God, in the form of a little boy who I am blessed to call my son.

So, we’ll see what happens in the story of Cliff, still yet to be told, but one that is truly a joy to behold. (Oh no, too much Berenstain Bears!)

There is hope

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Helen didn’t want a graduation party, she wanted a weekend with me in New York. So, I happily obliged. (You know, you just have to give in to their demands every now and then.)

We decided instead though to put the effort it would take to put on a party into a cause. So we chose the Tree of Hope Foundation.

We’re holding a concert Songs of Hope at St. Joan of Arc at 7:30 on Aug. 5. We have some really talented folks with us. It’ll be cool. We’re singing mostly contemporary Christian music. All songs with hope at the theme.

The Tree of Hope Foundation was conceived as a result of a tragedy. In 2005, a young mother in our parish took her own life and that of her five-week-old infant daughter as a result of a postpartum mood disorder. On the day of that tragic event, her family vowed they would do what they could to prevent that from happening again. They began the Tree of Hope Foundation which promotes research, education and awareness of postpartum-related mood disorders. Check out their site to learn more of the good work they are doing.

A few years ago,  I was asked to sing at a prayer service for the foundation. When I arrived, the pianist asked if I had a suggestion for any songs, and I suggested one called O God You Search Me and You Know Me, based on Psalm 139 with music by Bernadette Farrell. It was fairly new to me but spoke so plainly of God’s providence.  As it turned out, that particular prayer was the central prayer of the service. And I didn’t know in advance. And it just seemed so … well … providential.

I was very moved by the service and have been moved by all the work the foundation is doing. This is a way for our family to support their good work in the best way we can. We can’t run marathons and such. But Helen and I can sing. So, there it is. So if you can come on the 5th, please do so.

Three years

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May 24.

Three years ago today, a dear, dear friend died. It’s hard to believe that much has time has passed. But then, at times, the memory feels so distant because of all the stuff of life that has occurred between then an now.

My thoughts went to her all day today. Her smile, her laugh. Her huge brown eyes. Her innocence and understanding. She knew she was a child of God. And I loved that.

I will cherish the time we spent planning vacation bible school the summer before she died.  I was 8.5 months pregnant. She had cancer. What a motley couple. We laughed hard and worked hard. After that, we talked every day, that is, until she lost her voice. An unnecessarily cruel side effect for a woman who loved to chat on the phone.

Her death brought so many to their knees. She was so young, so faithful and so alive.

I will forever hear her voice ring in my left ear saying, “God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.” She was right, you know.

Pray for me, Saint Danalee. XO

LORD, my heart is not proud; nor are my eyes haughty. I do not busy myself with great matters, with things too sublime for me. Rather, I have stilled my soul, hushed it like a weaned child. Like a weaned child on its mother’s lap, so is my soul within me. Israel, hope in the LORD, now and forever.

Psalm 131

Mission: Possible

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We are having a mission at our parish this week: Journey to Joy.

It started yesterday and finishes tomorrow. What a lovely way to join together as a community in praise and song. It’s just what I needed at this very moment in time. Funny how those things work. I’m sorry that my kids and dear spouse can’t attend, but we have a very full plate this week (play dress rehearsals, opening night, etc.). I feel the refueling I’m getting is enough to help us all get through all that’s ahead. I’m so grateful for all those hardworking people who put the whole thing together. What a blessing. I’m also so thankful for such a wonderful pastor and parish community.

Ah. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

Raising a saint

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Today when I was cleaning Clifford and Lillian’s room, I noticed the crucifix above Clifford’s crib was gone. The bare nail was exposed. I looked in the crib, under the crib. I was perplexed.

St. Lillian

I found Lillian and questioned her.

“Do you know where the cross with Jesus on it that hangs above Clifford’s crib is?”

She told me she had it.

When I asked her why she took Jesus down, she answered, “Because I just needed to hug him.”

Midnight Madness

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Sometimes I start these posts in the middle of the night and can never finish them because I’m usually sans glasses and can’t effectively proof read. Plus, I can’t always complete the thought I started because … it’s the middle of the night, and I should be sleeping.

I recently blogged about freaking out, speeding past mile markers. Blah, blah, life is out of control, passing me by.

All of a sudden I found myself slamming over a self-inflicted speed bump. Sacrifice, blah. Rules, blah. Expectations, Blah, blah. (You get the point.) With all that speeding, the worries, struggles and challenges of just managing daily life  (which I do love) seemed to take a toll on me.  More importantly, it took a toll on my relationship with the one I love most and who loved me enough to give his very life. And for more than a moment, I willingly chose to wallow in my complete unworthiness. I chose to separate myself.

After some wise counsel, some thoughtful reflection, some deep prayer and participation in those beautiful sacraments, here I am again. Ready. Still (always) unworthy, but grateful for the gift and promises of faith. Saint Thomas Becket was onto something when he said,

“The whole company of saints bears witness to the unfailing truth that without real effort no one wins the crown.”

Christ has the power to transform us — completely. Inside and out.

“He who sat upon the throne said, ‘Behold, I make all things new’” (Rev 21:5).

During this Lent I’m going to continue to put on the brakes a bit. I hope to slow down and continue to thoughtfully and prayerfully seek the Lord with complete faith in his presence.

No longer sleep deprived

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I just have to report — with joy: The baby has slept through the night four consecutive nights. My life has officially changed. Yahoo. I feel a little bit more like myself again. Funny what 10 months of no REM can do to a woman.

Now we’re heading out to for Helen’s audition #3. Another fun (and long) day.  After today, there is only one left. Then waiting. Ugh.

Prayers would be good.